Another vision

Sit back, relax, and share with me another out-of-body experience. We Observe silently and unseen, immaterial yet alert... the scene is the study in a house in Stoke Newington. (Sorry about dragging you to Stoke Newington, but it's necessary for the plot.)

A house in Stoke Newington. Ed Balls is sitting at his desk mulling over the papers in his newly-delivered Shadow Chancellor's red box. A dread burst of music comes from a desk drawer. He starts... his face becomes ashen... he opens the drawer and picks up the blackest Blackberry ever...

EB: "My Lord Mandelmort... I had not thought to hear from you yet."
LM: "Balls. But moving on. Edward... you recall our last conversation?"
EB: "Of course, my lord."
LM: "I thought I would call to congratulate myself on your appointment as Shadow Chancellor, Edward. And to let you know that... it begins."
EB: "What begins, sir?"

A moment's silence... then a dry, scaly noise like a dead rattlesnake being dragged over a corrugated tin roof.

LM: "Oh, Edward. You disappoint me... again. I had thought that by now, under my patient tutelage, you would have acquired some instinct for politics... some acute nose for the breeze of change. Do you not see? Have you learned nothing? The tide is afoot. The scales of power are ripening. It is time. TIME!"

Mr Balls breathes deeply.

EB: "Well, my lord, I must admit I was pleasantly surprised to be called by the Party Leader and asked to take over from Alan Johnson. One has to feel sorry for him."
LM: "No, Edward, one doesn't. Such is political life. He chooses to put his private life first. A mistake I never made, and one which I trust you will never make. Not, I might add, if you wish to continue as my Chosen One in the Great Path of Destiny."
EB: "Er... the 'Great Path', my lord?"

There is a moment's silence on the BLACKberry... the silence of a newly-dug grave at midnight, the silence of a dead kitten, the silence of something really nasty and silent, in fact.

LM: "Edward. Attend and concentrate. Unless like me you are prepared to make... certain sacrifices... you will not have the lifespan to fully comprehend the Master Strategy, but let me give you the salient points, in the hope that you may yet see the dark. The Great Enemies have joined forces in a doomed coalition. In preparation for this, we engineered a financial disaster that is still not fully understood by the electorate, but suffice to say that all the headline economic and social indicator figures will be against those who so laughably think themselves in charge of the country. Unemployment and inflation: up. Public sector investment: down. Sterling against any currency you like to mention: down. Mortgage rates: up. Repossesions: up. Size of Katie Price's breasts: well, who can say? But none of this will look good in the media. Apart from the latter, conceivably. However, the Tories and the Little Friends will soon be fighting among themselves like two ferrets in a sock. All you have to do is be ready for the inevitable collapse. You cannot fail."
EB: "But... surely, my lord... if we come to power again, we will be inheriting a train-wreck, surely? What will we be able to do?"
LM: "Ah, you begin to see. Of course Britain will be worthless. That has been coming for years. As an independent power, Britain's day is long past. We will be classed along with Borneo, Kazakhstan or even France. No, Edward, forget that out-dated model. Within a mere two decades there will be only two powers in the world, and you can be at the forefront of one of them."
EB: "Er... I assume you mean the United States... and China?"

There is a slow, crackling laugh.

LM: "The United States? Oh, dear me no, young Balls. Once President Palin takes power - as she will, for the American voter will never ultimately be able to resist someone cute who likes guns - it will take only months for civil war to break out. The Mexicans will reclaim what was once theirs, the few remaining Americans with any sense will flee to Canada, and the cities will burn. No, the two real powers in the world will be China... and The Greater European Union. Yes, the real destiny of Europe is to be one great power. That is my master-work, Edward, that is the goal for which I have worked these seven centuries. And it can be your destiny too."
EB: "But... I don't understand, my lord..."
LM: "You, Edward, if you follow the Path I lay out for your unworthy feet, will one day be President of the Greater European Union. The one which will encompass all of the European continent, Scandinavia, the former USSR, even the bits nobody really wants, like Wales. It will be the only power great enough to stand against the Asian Tiger. The Yin against their Yang. The Fork against the Chopstick. The Poppadum against the Prawn Cracker."
EB: "Um... I thought poppadums were Indian?"
LM: "India too will be part of Europe, Edward, as it might just as well have been under British rule. They will be able to see which side of their chapati the ghee is on, trust me."

Mr Balls puts a hand to his furrowed brow.

EB: "But how... how would I be able to win an election to be President of such a great power, my lord?"

The silence from the BLACKberry is this time even more nasty and silent (if that were possible).

LM: "Who mentioned an election, Balls? Did I get elected to the House of Lords? I despair of you. I must warn you... there is another candidate in my mind."
EB: "But who... who else could there be, my lord?"

Another telling pause.

LM: "Edward. I refer you to the Shadow Home Secretary. And such an appropriate title, is it not? In the shadows... in your home.... be careful, Edward. Be very careful..."

A chilling laugh echoes down the line before the buzz of disconnection becomes all that Mr Balls can hear... he stares towards the door of his study... who is it that moves in the hallway?