You know it makes sense

Ms Deirdre Voletreader, a spokesperson for Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs (HMRC), today announced a new tax at a packed press conference.

"We acknowledge that times are hard, and that ordinary hard-working families are finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meet. The last thing that they need is gobby numpties talking nonsense, and that's why today we are announcing the implementation of Publicly Ridiculed Announcement Tax (PRAT)."

"For too long politicians, sportspeople and alleged entertainers have been free to say stupid things regardless of the irritation caused to ordinary hard-working families, but the new PRAT regime will ensure that they pay a fair contribution to the nation for sounding off like brain-dead muppets."

"Each moronic announcement leading to public ridicule, exasperation or irritation will render the person concerned liable to PRAT at a flat rate of £5 per utterance. We at HMRC have striven to make this tax as simple as possible to administer, and we are proud to announce that the detailed regulations, exemptions and sample self-assessment working sheets have been condensed to a paltry 247 pages."

"Our systems are extremely sophisticated and track broadcast material, blogs, Tweets, newspaper columns and appearances on Question Time. Special arrangements will be possible for those particularly liable to PRAT, and as an example I can announce that Jonathan Ross has agreed to make a one-off payment of £5,000 per annum to cover all his liabilities over the year."

In answer to a question from the floor, Ms Voletreader confirmed that there would be no Parliamentary privilege.

"You can hear and see MPs on the Parliament Channel, so we don't see why they shouldn't pay. Equally there will be no Crown exemption, except when Her Majesty is reading a speech written by politicians, in which case the originators will face PRAT liability. We are in discussions with the Duchy of Cornwall and agents for the Duchess of York, and expect to be able to announce PRAT revenues sufficient to completely regenerate Wolverhampton."

In response to a question from the floor, Ms Voletreader confirmed that Wolverhampton had in fact already been regenerated, "but nobody noticed."

Another journalist enquired how the system would work in practice. Ms Voletreader said crisply that HMRC needed no practice in applying tax.

Ms Voletreader added that the new PRAT tax would not be retrospective. "We would have liked to have reclaimed previous PRAT liabilities, but we acknowledge that 90% of our current Members of Parliament would thereby be rendered bankrupt. This was felt to be no bad thing per se, but administratively questionable given the current political situation. The point will be open to review."

Mr David Blunkett said that all this was an outrage, as was the cancellation of the national Identity Card scheme that he had nurtured for years. He said that he was minded to sue the Government for the £30 that he had paid for his card. Ms Voletreader said in reply that Mr Blunkett was entitled to his opinion, but that he also now owed the taxpayer £5.

As regarded foreigners making dumb announcements in the UK, Ms Voletreader announced that HMRC regarded all foreigners as "regrettable" and also that HMRC saw no reason why they should not be liable to PRAT as a condition of entry to the country. "Consider Ms Britney Spears," said Ms Voletreader, "We have her on record as once saying: 'The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.' Surely that is worth £5 to the British taxpayer? Like, why should we have to listen to this stuff from foreigners, innit?"

A journalist from the Guardian said he was outraged, and that PRAT was a tax on free speech. Ms Voletreader said that speech was still free, but that "talking like a knobhead in public is a privilege, not a right." She added that HMRC would like a word with Polly Toynbee.

Following the press conference, and for the first time ever, Mr Lembit Opik said he had no comment.